Friday, January 25, 2013

Me? A P-P-P-Princess Warrior? (Part 3)

 **This is part 3 of the testimony I posted Wednesday (1/23/12) and Thursday (1/24/13)**

So… things were a “mess” in my house to say the least. My husband rarely talked, we were distant…. Like roommates sharing a house. I felt unloved, unaccepted, and down-right depressed. Equally as bad, were the issues we faced with our 5 year old son. I’m sure the anger and disconnect in our home wasn’t helping. He began to get into major trouble at school. We went back and forth to the doctor and finally he was diagnosed with ADHD. Things did get a little better at school once he got used to the routine of taking the medication. At home, he still lashed out in anger. Rightfully so I presume… after all he lived in a very angry, very bitter house.

“Would you please consider going to counseling?” I asked my husband one day, but he wanted no part of it. I finally got up the nerve to call my senior pastor. I know my husband respects him and, when he does come to church with me for special occasions we always get into a discussion about what we heard during the service. Even through our pastor has a packed schedule, agreed to counsel us and thankfully my husband decided to participate. I felt a glimmer of hope for the first time in a long time.
During the first session we talked about a few of the things going on in each of us and in our home. By the end of our time, we both agreed to read the book, “His Needs, Her Needs” by Willard F. Harley and discuss the chapters during our appointments. Immediately after the first appointment I booked the second appointment for three weeks out and bought the book.

For someone who takes a while to read, I read the first three chapters the same day the book arrived and then left it for my husband. I told him I had left the book on kitchen table and then left the assignment in his hands. During this time, I didn’t nag or ask him if he had read his chapters. I just left him alone. I felt it best that way.

The three weeks between appointments seemed to last a lifetime, but excitement over what God was going to do in our marriage carried me through. The day arrived for our second appointment. Not fifteen minutes into our conversation did my husband reveal he didn’t read anything. I was deflated. We were dismissed because we had absolutely nothing to talk about. I was heartbroken. The emotions that raged through me were that of hurt, anger, bitterness and resentment.  On the walk to our cars I asked him “Why? You had 3 weeks to read and you didn’t.” Defensive he huffed “Because I didn’t have time!” After hearing those words I lost my cool. “Why couldn’t you tell me that earlier? I would have rescheduled the appointment. Now I feel so foolish! Don’t you want our marriage to work, to be better?” Absolute silence, then finally “I guess I am not just into this…. What’s the point? I don’t think there are any problems.” He got in his car and drove off.

My mind raced as my over analytical brain ran scenarios of what exactly he meant. Walking to my car the tears began to fall and then through gut wrenching sobs I questioned “Why didn’ he read? Does he not love me enough to read 3 lousy chapters? How can he not have time for me?” I cried my eyes out. I drove about a half a mile before I figured out that my pastor still had 45 minutes set aside for this meeting. I immediately called the church and asked if I could return and finish the session alone… and that I did. I absolutely love my pastor. He tells you the truth of God’s word – harsh or not. In that first meeting we had he noticed something in me that was “badgering” my husband. I had never noticed that before. It’s tough when you have to admit that you’re the one who is to blame for something. He assured me that I wasn’t the only one at fault but at this point, I had to work on me. He challenged me that day to take a hard look at myself. UGH this was going to be painful… wasn’t it?

God never promised us a painless way… did He? What He did promise us is to never leave us or forsake us because He loves us with an everlasting and unconditional love. He holds us in the very palm of His hand.

***Please come back for Part 4 of my testimony tomorrow.***

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